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.: 1.21.2009 

I has a secret confession.

I've been watching Superstars of Dance on Hulu.

I was sucked in the way any good reality TV show show sucks you in: it's so bad, you can't believe it. It's a slow motion train wreck, how could you look away? Mr. Lord of the Dance himself is hosting (Dear Gods, it could only be better had it been Shatner). So please, judge me not harshly, but with the knowledge that staying away from TV has made me weak and easily hypnotized by the flashing lights.

Some notes to NBC:
1. The tapping noises in at least one of the Irish's pieces were in the music, as I clearly saw him take only three steps that sounded like about 25 last week. I can only assume that all the tapping in the Irish pieces and the jingle-stomping in the Indian pieces are also in the music, which is terribly disappointing.

2. The "fans" of each country are obviously planted. (The producers must have peed themselves in delight when they found an actual Indian couple to stand near the cameras for the Indian cheering.) The signs look as if only one or two people created them all, and they are suspiciously all in English.

3. The Russian judge needs someone to tell him that Yakov Smirnoff's act has already been done.

4. They couldn't get a fucking translator for the Chinese judge? Honestly? Because every judge talks and talks and talks before giving a score, but he just looks uncomfortable and says a number. He didn't even feel comfortable enough with his English skills to say "Ireland" out loud when deciding the tiebreaker between Ireland and Australia—and you know he's not going to ask for one to save face. How freaking inconsiderate and culturally ignorant can the producers be?

5. I adore the Argentinean judge. Whimsy is her bitch. She is entirely inconsistent, capricious, and pompous.

6. I adore the South African judge. He makes Simon Cowell look like Mary Poppins. (The Julie Andrews Mary Poppins, not Mary Poppins as she was originally written.)

7. I suspect the Irish judge has been told by his father that he will judge this entire competition and not complain about it or else his trust fund will be taken away.

8. Is is painfully obvious that while each judge is an expert in her or her own style of dance, none of them were given any information on other forms of dance before this began and they are all hugely unqualified to judge them.

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