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.: 6.09.2011 

An Open Letter to USAA

Dear USAA,

I just wanted to thank you for the letter I got in the mail yesterday warning me that my credit limit might be decreased since my account is under review.

I'm so glad to know that USAA worries about its customers so much that it would take the extra time to protect them from the likes of me, a veritable bastion of financial ruin. How terrible am I? Let me count the ways: I have very dangerously paid my credit card and insurance bills on time for the more than ten years I've been a USAA customer -- oh, there was that one month when I was in my early twenties and still in college and I somehow missed a car insurance payment. When was that? 199… 8? 9? It should be easy to look up, since it was the very first payment I ever had with your company. You would think if I were such a high risk then you would never have gone on to provide me with home owners insurance (twice!), personal property insurance, a savings account, a Roth IRA, and a credit card. My other disastrously irresponsible acts have included paying more than minimum payment on said card, asking for my credit limit to be lowered when you kept jacking it up ridiculously high, and sometimes carrying a zero balance for multiple months in a row!

But I understand that USAA needs to look at all my accounts, not just the ones I have with you. So there was that period of extreme financial flakiness where I paid two mortgages, on time, every month, for nearly a year as I was trying to sell my old house, before I got pulled under by the housing collapse and was forced to declare bankruptcy. Oh, and don't forget -- even though my current mortgage is held by Bank of America (neé Countrywide), which apparently can't tell its ass from a hole in the ground (if I'm to believe the outcomes of several recent lawsuits) -- that my entire outlook on financial matters is so reckless that I only pay between $50 and $100 extra on my mortgage every month. All that while IN Chapter 13 bankruptcy repayment! Truly, I am an unreliable flibbertigibbet!

Shall we look at my utility bills? I carry a ~$40 credit every month with my cable company, plus a ~$150 credit with both my gas company AND my electric company. I suppose my electric credit would be higher, but I donate to their WinterCare program every month. Completely immature of me, I know. It's as if my silly little brain is just constantly distracted by shiny things rather than focusing on my fiscal responsibilities!

So thank you. Thank you for protecting your other customers from me. Thank you for making me feel like the dog crap on the bottom of your shoe for not having a trust fund or sugar daddy to bail me out when the recession hit. Thank you for making me feel like a criminal because I had to declare bankruptcy. It really made my day to know how much USAA cares.

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